Welcome to our first in your face tête a tête.
As I said to those who watched my video, Chanty’s Banter will discuss difficult
issues head on as best as I/ we can.
This first discussion comes from my personal experience after
the birth of my daughter who was born asleep. Born asleep means she was
stillborn. It has been 10 years and I feel slightly strong enough to talk about
it.
This is
my Story:
After going through a very healthy, no complications
pregnancy, the baby at every midwife's appointment and scan was doing very
well, until a fluke phone call from Nigeria turned my life around.
Sadly that caller is now with our maker. May her soul rest
in peace. The call came out of the blues from an old friend who had never
called me before. Living abroad, away from your family, calls from Nigeria at
odd times sets our hearts racing. And that call was wrong!
After exchanging pleasantries, the next sentence was
"sorry oh for wetin happen to your mama dem" What was my next
response. Wetin happen to my mama dem? And then the phone went dead! I tried
calling her back, no way. I called everyone in Nigeria no answer. Panic then
set in. My aunt I lived with at the time was very upset that lady called
because my waters broke not long after.
I later found out my mum's house was robbed. Thank God no
one was hurt, but things got stolen, like mobile phones, so communication was
grounded. Because I had only just migrated and trying to find my feet, everyone
was told not to let me know. My family members were furious when they found out
I was informed without their knowledge, and the eventual outcome.
In the panic after my waters broke, the ambulance was called
in, my blood pressure had shot through the roof. A condition that had been
controlled all through the pregnancy. It became apparent I had gone into
premature labour.
You know that confidence you have, because you are in a UK
hospital they can treat anything? Well that was short lived because Rochdale
Infirmary where I registered for convenience told me they had closed their
premature babies ward. Even if she came out ok, they will do nothing to keep
her alive. Looking back, I wish I had chosen Oldham Royal. Maybe we'd have had a
better chance.
At the time, if I had been advised by a professional to have
the baby immediately and she will be transferred to a bigger hospital I would
have done. All I was told by a midwife was, if she can hold on till your
consultant arrives on Monday (this was weekend mind you) to transfer us to
Oldham Royal. And I was "holding on" through serious labour pains.
Doctors came and went to take me into the labour room, I objected. Until a
heart monitor was done and indicated she had stopped breathing. I could not
hear that strong rhythm anymore then I realized to stay alive, I had to go into
the labour room. My thought process was anything but rational at that time.
She was born naturally, a very beautiful girl I named
Shauna-Mae. I was begging the midwife and doctor, crying desperately to please
wake her up when she was put on my chest, nothing was done at all. Then I had
to undergo surgery for the placenta to come out, as it was a difficult one. My
word, pushing a baby out is one, nobody told me about the placenta.
I woke up in recovery with Shauna-Mae in a tiny Moses
basket, dressed up as if she was asleep. You do not know the meaning of grief
until this hits you!
That day, I was anticipating hot fish pepper soup as is
traditional in my part of Nigeria. Sadly it wasn't! It was cold, scaly and
unpalatable. The one thing I expected to give me brief comfort fell short! That
was the start of internalizing my pain. At that point all I needed was my
mother, my family or anyone who truly loved me.
It was the onset of serious grief. Grief that I cannot describe because it came with emptiness and shame. Shame because I felt like a failure. I failed at the one that being a real woman means and I failed to save my child.
Being member of a Nigerian church, I had to put up a brave
face every time, because the next thing you hear after explaining, you lost the
baby. "Don’t worry the one that will stay will come" Stop crying for
the one that's gone it might hinder another child wanting to come bla bla bla.
In my head I was screaming. I want to cry, I need a hug, I
need someone to tell me it is going to be ok even if you grieve. Cry and mourn
your loss it is natural. No! It did not happen. The one person who gave me that
support is a girl called Eve. I met on a Facebook interracial marriage group.
She spoke of her loss, and I opened up to her, she was the only one who
encouraged me to cry it out and not play that game the community has set for us
to believe in, or else I will end up depressed. She even sent me a poem. A very
sad but encouraging lines.
Did I feel supported by the church community I thought I was
part of? No! Did the pastor call me to pray with me if he had heard of my
bereavement? No! Except for the few people around who knew. I got NOTHING! No
comfort whatsoever. I was even ashamed to cry in front of them.
No questions how I am doing, just those same "another
one will come". I had to keep up the face of the strong black woman. But I was dying, crying, screaming. I
needed to grieve in the arms of my mother, my aunty, a friend or even a church
counsellor.
When I eventually did cry my eyes out, I did it well away
from where I was staying. I followed Eve's advice, read the poem she sent me. I
was on own at my nephew's while he was away in Nigeria. Did it help? At the
time, yes.
I have learnt to live with it, I have learnt to cope with
the emptiness losing a pregnancy brings. That is one aspect of grief women try
to deal with, most people do not understand.
As members of the African community, we must learn to accept
that miscarriages and stillbirths are as great a loss for us women as losing a
child. Because we did not know that child alive or get to full term does not
mean there was no bond. There were plans, made, names given, dreams of holding
those babies and even what their future might be like. To face the emptiness is
indescribable. Clothes that they will not wear, toys they will not play with,
an empty crib. These reminders that are in our homes till we are ready to let
go.
My advice is, please allow any mother to mourn her loss the
best way she can. Unless she says leave it be, please give the mother of a
stillborn baby and a miscarriage the same kind of emotional support you would
give to the woman who lost a grown child or baby. Mentally, such support helps
us move on a lot quicker. We are only playing strong black women at such times
to please members of our communities and families.
We must try to phase
out those tiny judgemental comments, e.g. "e never do?" "na she
be the first?" etc. Comments that sees
women internalise pain, only to end up depressed and deeply unhappy. If this
happens, most of us will heal sooner whether we go on to have children after or
not.
10 years is a very long time for one to feel confident
enough to open up. Shauna-Mae is buried here at the Rochdale cemetery. We visit
her grave now and again with fresh flowers as I did on her would have been 10th
birthday. I remember how shocked my midwife was to see it was only me at the
funeral as she expected a lot more people to be with me for support. I saw so
much sadness and pain in her eyes for me that day. I can only imagine what her
thoughts were.
Feel free to share your experiences, ask questions and make
suggestions. This is Chanty's Banter join in….
3 Comments
What a story ������������dropping down my eyes �� as I know and understands what your going through.
ReplyDeleteMy story I had two miscarriages
First one was 10 weeks I cried my life out .
My pastor told me was because I was not married enjoying the benefits of marriage. 2nd was twins went to scan the could see two sacks but no yolk. At 8 weeks i started bleeding �� I was so scared �� went back to hospital . I was confirm going through miscarriage.
Again I cried I screamed from the hospital . I looked at my partner face all Hope was lost as he couldn’t say a word . Now I told my self no more as I could not go through the pain each time I see my friend baby �� I laugh in front of her and later I cry my heart out . 2018 I went to see the doctors and explain to them I asked to be referred . I was told in the Uk you need to have 3 miscarriages before they can refer you , well I fake one miscarriage just to be see ( I know not a good thing but I had no choice)
The doctor now refer me I start seeing gynaecologist to fine out what is going on with me .
Nothing really 2019 i find out out tubes where blocked . I went to Nigeria told my mum she said go and do massage I did massage for 3 weeks and I went for hsg any tubes were still blocked. Came back home to the Uk . All hope was gone after two month I got pregnant
I was so scared very worried thinking if both tubes were blocked which means another miscarriage coming .
Story of my life
At 8 weeks at 2 am I felt this massive drop on me . Blood �� cloth I cry and cried at this time I was married my hubby was in Nigeria . Was just home with my two boy 14 and 12 . I packed all the blood and went hospital and I was told baby was still in , we could hear baby heartbeat .
We for scan baby was seen I was over the mood .
I was been looked after every week at the hospital .
Now Covid came .
Another problem every day I was watching the news for updates worries took over me . I was so scared of Covid . I keep telling friends to stop sending me video or messages of Covid.
On the 16 of April I came on Facebook saw. Video of a pregnant woman with Covid . That night I couldn’t sleep blood pressure went high and 4 am my water broke �������� I pregnancy was just 24 weeks .
Ambulance came took me .
Immediately I went to see doctor the man said cs baby �� leg is coming out . I cried and I said to the doctor please and please can the call another doctor to come and check me because I can’t feel the baby down there .
Well this time I was surrounded by 10 health care workers . One putting some in my hand to get me ready
.
I was so glad when the doctor I asked for cane and checked she said no baby is okey . No cs take her to admission room . I prayed in 4 days I was discharged to go home Baby was fine breathing . 7 days was was in side without baby . Midwife told me I could stay up till due date depends on baby .
I called my mum she told me yes but there’s a high risk baby can also die without and without monitoring .
Well after talking with my mum I went high I was lost I started crying �� my baby couldn’t stay in my belly anymore ambulance came took me to hospital . At this point I said father let your will be done ✅������������������ immediately we arrived my beautiful baby girl ���� came out without CS but she was taking into intensive care she was born extreme Preterm 25+1 weeks. (6 month and 1 day ) she stayed in the hospital 70 days ������������ Doctors don’t even know if she will be okey . They said one day at a time . To God be the glory she is alive with us . We called her Trinity Blessing . Today she is 4 month corrected month . So sorry for long story just letting it out . I feel you and I understand you . It’s really good to cry �� it out .
Chanty, I feel your pain as if it were mine. May your baby continue to sleep in the bosum of the Lord. Thank you for sharing and educating us, especially our community. Amen🙏🏿
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your painful story, you shed light on what women silently go through and have to endure while the rest of their world walk on by. It is time for the African communities wherever they may be to advocate mental health education- beginning with embracing dark times in peoples lives, and stop this mentality that if something bad happens to someone they must have offended God. Hence, the shunning and emotional torture shown. Let love conquer all, you have done well for the enlightenment.
ReplyDelete